a sea of troubles

what’s wrong with me and why can’t I change?

Nothing makes me feel complete. Not me, not others, not things. There’s something missing and not even success can make me feel the slightest bit whole. I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t feel deserving of anything and when something good happens, I push it away. Is it because I feel I don’t deserve it or maybe I don’t like nice things? I just feel so defeated all the time and I want to be alone, but it’s not helping. I’m stuck in this hole of not feeling whole.

I don’t like when boys cling onto me, but I’m the same way so I guess I can’t blame ‘em

"just because we didn’t walk away with them, doesn’t mean we walked away with nothing,"

— late night talks with my roomie

so last night was pretty rough. one bottle was being passed around a bunch of people and I was barely buzzing. we decided we would walk to the store to get more and before we did that, I decided I wanted to smoke a bowl. so I packed a tiny bowl for me and my friend and we smoked it on our way to the store, on foot. we waited for our other friend to get another bottle and headed back to the house, I felt fine. back at the house, the same routine began. I didn’t realize my limit and soon I blacked out. I remember gaining consciousness again when my friend took me outside and tried to help me into my car so I could sleep, but I wasn’t having that. a couple of his friends helped take care of me, but I ended up puking everywhere and one decided we should go to his house so I could throw up in his bathroom since he lived a couple blocks away. my friend carried me on his back and then I blacked out again. once we got to the next house, I puked in his yard and all the way too his bathroom. poor guy. I heard that I was even knocking things over in his bathroom. his dad was upset and kept saying “we need to call her parents to pick her up,” but my mom has to wake up for work at 4am and my dad lives in Florida. so my friends convinced him that he would take me to my car and let me sleep it off. so what had happened was, he ran back to my car and drove it to the front of the house and put me in it. keep in mind, this guy is pretty drunk and he’s still taking care of me. when our friend’s dad wasn’t looking, we took off to his house. his friend, whom he lives with, helped carry me inside and they tucked me into his bed. I was completely unconscious the whole time. he told me I asked where my bra was and when he said it wasn’t here I said “now everyone’s going to think I’m a whore”. he told me I took it off while I was puking in our friend’s toilet. so like a true homie, he hops on his bike and rides all the way back to get it for me. where we were now is probably about 3-4 miles away from there. I woke up in the morning, got out from under the covers and saw that I was covered in puke. I wasn’t even wearing my pants last night, it was my guy friend’s. I also freaked out because I had no recollection of where my bra was and I was embarrassed walking to the bathroom without one. the bathroom is on the other side of the house and you have to walk through everyone’s room to get to it. I use the toilet, still don’t feel good, so I puked and pee’d again. I went back to bed and my friend pointed to where my bra was, I guess it was obvious that I was embarrassed because I was covering myself. anyhoo, I slept in until 3 in the afternoon and no one bothered me. my friend did cook chicken teriyaki and gave some to me while I was awake. for the most part, I felt like complete shit all morning and just wanted to sleep it off, but I kept waking up to puke in my friend’s trash and I felt so bad because we were supposed to hang out since it’s his day off. but every time I tried to sit up and hang out, I felt super nauseous. anyways, moral of the story is: I realized how many good people there are in my life, even if it’s only a few. my friend constantly looked out for me, took care of me, carried me everywhere, let me sleep in his bed while I was covered in puke, gave me another pair of his pants in the morning, and cooked me breakfast, even though he was extremely exhausted. the friend he lives with helped out a ton, too, and I’m extremely grateful that his parents let me stay there and didn’t complain about me. I’m just so appreciative about everything good that happened last night, and I promise to never let myself get to that point again.

I need a date to Warped this year, I don’t want to go alone and I don’t want to not go. The line up seems to be coming together so far.

I have a strange sense of humor and a wide range of interests

I know who you were and who you have the potential to be, but I don’t know who you are.

perla: *toot*
me: did you poo yourself?
perla: i think so hahahah

watching anime with the roomie c:

I don’t want to date everyone, I just want one person.

being “all-about-yourself” is a big turn off and now I see why you’re still single

I’m always a second option

you can’t rely on anyone but yourself

there’s more than one way to break somebody’s heart